Author's note: I debuted the following piece in the First Annual
Poetry Slam held at the MOSES Organic Farming Conference
(www.mosesorganic.org) in La Crosse, Wisconsin Feb 24-26, 2011. If you
want to reprint it, please contact me at kristinejepsen(at)gmail.com. Or
better yet, send people to this site. An All-Purpose Livestock Sorting Oath** Legally enforceable in a court of law.By Kristine Jepsen Any gentleman who shall endeavor to sort cows, pigs, goats, or any other species of livestock with his spouse, shall at this time raise his right hand and nod in agreement of the following. I hereby solemnly do swear that: 1. I shall state my objectives clearly, noting which animals are to go where and in what order. Such objectives shall be more precise than “the big ones,” “the little ones,” and “that one over there.” 2. I shall ensure that my wife and any other sorting help fully understand my objectives and can operate proficiently any gates, trailer doors, sorting sticks, chutes and other necessary equipment. It is understood that said equipment will be in good working order and not require an operator to throw her bodyweight against it to perform the above specified objectives. 3. I shall specify both Best Case and Plan B scenarios for the handling of stock so that my wife and sorting help understand my actions, should I change my course. “Because that’s what you do” is not sufficient grounds for departure from plan. 4. I shall recognize that my wife differs from me in stature, volume and bullheadedness and may have a different or lesser physical effect on ornery cows, bulls, sows and other troublesome creatures. Therefore, I shall not consider the placement of my wife in the path of a charging animal to be sufficient deterrent to said animal. 5. I shall not assume that my physical or verbal cues have been acknowledged by my wife unless I am looking at and speaking directly to her and receive confirmation via thumbs-up. Use of any other finger may constitute acknowledgment but is not legally binding on her part. 6. I shall recognize that livestock are not bilingual and are in fact about as likely as my wife to respond in the affirmative to my use of expletives, whether as verbs, nouns or adjectives. 7. I shall call my wife only by her given name and not make comparison of my wife, her judgment or any of her body parts to any class or attribute of livestock, in jest or otherwise. 8. I shall recognize by the narrowing of my wife’s eyes when I am in jeopardy of forfeiting my sorting help and adjust my demeanor accordingly. 9. I shall recognize that my method of sorting is not ordained by God or any other Higher Powers and shall openly discuss and adopt variances in procedure as they fit personnel involved, with particular reference to clauses 2, 3 and 4. And... 10. I understand that violation of any of the above may result in the revocation of marital civility until such time that I make sincere apology and agree in writing to find alternate help in future sorting activities. Thank you, sincerely, in best regards, hats off, hallelujah and amen. |
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FieldNotes >
An All-Purpose Livestock Sorting Oathposted Feb 28, 2011 7:32 PM by Kristine Jepsen [ updated Dec 7, 2011 12:22 PM ] |
 Classic self-portrait, camera timer blinking     |